From .......... IN THESE TIMES

MARCH 7-20, 1994

page 6

Emission standards eased!

The National Catholic Reporter [of 17 December] reports a major medical breakthrough.

A Vatican-approved vibrating machine that attaches to the testicles has proved successful in gathering sperm for medical use as a "moral alternative to masturbation."

The University of the Sacred Heart in Rome completed a survey of 17 men and concluded that "components that constitute the masturbation act would seem to be absent," such as "direct stimulation of the genital organ" and any "erotic feelings."

They are still working to perfect the device by making it painful.

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